Keepin' My Eyes on Him

I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. I could have trusted Him in the first place.

Instead, two years ago, I spent countless hours hunting for a cure for autism in front of this illuminated computer screen. I had amassed hours and hours of lost sleep searching and searching for an answer. THE answer. All of my investigating did not avail me an answer I believed was true.

One night, I awoke at 3AM to another night of Kaylee singing to herself, laughing hysterically at who knows what. Something is wrong! This is NOT how its supposed to be... I thought to myself as I gingerly left my bed trying not to wake up my husband with my weeping.

Her laughter felt so cruel to me, so paradoxical to how I was feeling inside. So disconnected from the rest of the sleeping world around her.

So I wrote my prayer to God, I sobbed until I felt weak. I knew there was an answer. Or maybe I couldn't believe there wasn't one?

Then, there was silence. My mind was quiet.

In that silence I heard something from inside. I heard "Keep your eyes on Me."

But I knew if there was such a solution to the dilemma that God would have the answer for it and He could bring it to me if He wanted to. I didn't have to look. I had to let go and let Him bring me the answer.

In that moment, I knew He could, and He would.

The truth was, He already had. I wasn't ready for it yet! I had my own preconceptions about what was wrong with Kaylee, I wouldn't listen when a friend told me about NeuroImmune Dysfunction Syndrome. I had never come across it before and it wasn't "DAN" (Defeat Autism Now - the most well-known biomedical autism school of thought today) and they used medications, which I was uncomfortable with.

It took a few months but I had run out of treatment options and I decided to give NIDS another look. Now, in my desperation, the NIDS theory seemed to make sense to me.

Everything "worked out" and we took Kaylee to the NNY Autism Clinic 3 weeks later.

Since then I have watched my daughter come out of her world and into mine and I have thought to myself with a chuckle "You found me, Lord. You brought the answer to me." All of my fretful research-hours were wasted ones. I should have just kept my eyes on Him!

An encouraging website

Please checkout this website if you have some time on your hands...it includes short, homemade video clips by people whose lives have been touched by autism. I like this website because it focuses on encouragement and hope in living with autism. And if you are so inspired, these folks encourage you to make your own and add it to the site!

Enjoy!

Autism 151

His Grace is Sufficient

I am back now, and I feel better.

No, this isn't because my circumstances are better. My daughter is still very anxious and I am still waiting for the doctor to get back to me about it.

But I have peace that passes all understanding, thanks to my Heavenly Father. I think I understand now that this is God's will for all of us in our family. But I think of what Paul said when he asked God to remove the thorn from his flesh, but God replied to him (I am paraphrasing) "No, but my Grace is sufficient for you"

The problem with me was, I didn't want to accept God's Will for me at this moment. I fought the reality that was. Yes Kaylee is improving, but we are still working on things and they could be better right now. Like I heard a pastor say on Sunday: "When you are flying on a plane, you can fret and fear all you want... but that plane is still going to land in that destination, whether you like it or not." (Well most times anyway...but thats not the point here)

I used to pray without ceasing "Lord please help Kaylee get better." Now, I still hope and pray for that, but I ask for strength and grace for me, Kaylee, and the rest of the family to be joyful and strong in living with the everyday struggles.

And I know He will supply those things, because He always has in the past. And it is so nice to be joyful again!

*Kaylee loves sleeping with her "baby" every night. As you can see, they have matching blankies :)

Thank you to those who prayed for me.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. James 1:2,3

For Such a Time as This...

Today my pastor was teaching out of the book of Esther, and we came to the part where Mordechai, Esther's cousin, was urging her to go to the King and plead for the lives and the preservation Jewish people.

For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father's house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14

God had put Esther in the place He desired her to be in to do His Will, to save His people. He gave her favor in the eyes of the king and the people so that she would become queen. Now it was her time to do what God wanted her to do. He had ordained her for such a time as this. But God wasn't going to do everything for her, she had to take a chance and put her life at risk.

I got to thinking about myself and my job as a wife and a mother. I have, at times, been so discouraged, so grieved about my circumstances. I have told God "I can't handle all of this!"

But today, I realized, that God knew what He was doing, He intentionally, sovereignly allowed these these burdens into my life because He believed that I, and all of the other mothers of children who live with autism, could act for such a time as this. How encouraging that is, to know that God is in control and that He has asked me to simply do a job made just for me:

...young women...be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. Titus 2:4

This is an encouragement to anyone and everyone out there...God has a job for you and for you only and only you can do it in such a time as this. And as someone wise said somewhere: If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. That doesn't mean He'll do everything for you, but He will do everything on His part so that you can do yours.

Grace and Peace to you through our Lord Jesus Christ!