"Soul Work" Article

Did you ever feel mad at God? Did you ever question Him, feel like He was cruel to you because of your circumstances? Because of the unfairness of your child's disability? Did you ever feel like God's expectations of you were too much? Did you ever feel like God's grace wasn't enough for you to get through?

I am ashamed to say I ask those questions. Just when I think I get out of my rut, something else happens and I am asking God "why?" all over again.

In fact, today I am laying on my couch while everyone else is at church because I am in pain yet again. It comes and goes and all I can do is rest and not move for awhile until it dies down. I have been dealing with this for almost 3 months now.

This morning, I came across this article, it's by Chuck Swindoll's daughter, Colleen. She has a son who has autism, too. I really appreciate how real she is about her struggles and the way she deals with the overwhelming difficulties she has faced in raising a child with severe autism and a number of other diagnoses. I hope you will take the time to read it because it will bless you, even if you don't have a child with special needs.

Soul Work by Colleen Swindoll

Kaylee and Mommy Update (A long-winded post)

When I have been thinking about what to post on my blog lately, I feel like I am a dry well. Not because things aren't happening, but because I am totally and utterly spent. For weeks I have been in survival mode. My creative juices were drying up and I felt like I couldn't write a good post. Exhaustion and a perfectionism like that make for a no-posting kind of blog.

I have been determined not to make this a place where I vent and complain about my circumstances, my purpose for this blog is to honestly document my journey in living with and attempting to heal my daughter's autism.

So here is an update of whats going on: Kaylee is doing great! I can't say it enough. She is so easy to get along with, tantrums are nonexistant, she is effortlessly potty-trained, she's happy, interacting, playing, in the "that's mine!" stage.

As for me, I am struggling. This story started over two months ago, Kaylee's behavior was impossible and I was frazzled. Every free moment I was either taking Kaylee to stressful allergy testing appointments, attempting to cook new foods for her (and failing) and there were many other commitments I was trying to keep, besides caring for 3 very young children.

I was so stressed out I felt like I couldn't rest. Even if I was sitting still, I felt worried and wound up. I felt like I was always on the edge.

I felt so alone, I had no peace. When I read the bible it felt like hollow words to me. The words of my prayers seemed to drop like cement the minute they left my lips. I felt weary and burdened.

I remember telling Dan, my husband, I had this vague sense that something was really wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what exactly it was. A few days later a peculiar rash appeared on my legs, and my feet swelled up. I was concerned but when I woke up the next day the rash had gotten worse and spread.

I went to the doctor and finally after many tests they figured out that I had vasculitis. That means my immune system was attacking my own blood vessels. The doctors had to check me for some serious diseases, like lupus and cancer, which came out negative. It was quite a scare for me.

But even today, 6 weeks later I am left with the aftermath of this illness. I have very painful sores on my legs and feet and its very difficult for me to get through each day. I have to go to wound care specialists a few times a week, because my skin isn't healing very well.

I am not sharing this to get pity, I am just trying to be real about what my life has been like. Times have been hard lately. The most difficult part was when I felt like God was so far away. The truth is, it was me who was far away.

It occured to me though, that everyone goes through hard times. As far as I know, the death rate is 100%. Everyone's health fails at some point in their life. Being a christian does not save me from trials and troubles. That is a far cry from what some of the pastors are preaching today. How disappointed are so many people when God doesn't give them what they want or when He doesn't save them from their circumstances? How many will have a love that waxes cold because they only know the gifts and not the Great Giver?

I think these circumstances brought me to a new level of fellowship with God. I feel pleasantly broken. Yes, that's the best way I could put it. I was very humbled by my circumstances and I reached out to God and accepted with joy, His will for me at this time. After that I felt so free!

The Good Lord is forcing me to rest (I have to have my feet up as much as possible). He is forcing me to trust Him. He is forcing me to ask Him for strength to get through each day (sometimes its each hour). He is forcing me to reassess my priorities. Yes I may have sticky floors and two bathroom sinks that need cleaning. I am learning to be okay with that.

Gee I think I have been all over the place on this post. I apologize. It's the best I could do right now.

Why My Child? Part II

After all of this time of thinking upon this question, I still don't have an answer that I feel most people desire when they find out their child has a disability. But I prayed and I asked God this very question and after sometime I see that my answer is...

There is no answer! At least not one that we may know this side of heaven...

I don't find peace in believing that God "planned" this for my child. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are not spared the trials that life brings to everyone.

Does that mean that God isn't in control? No, I don't think so.

Recently I read the book of Job and if you don't know much about this man, his story is in the Old Testament. To make a long story short, God allowed many bad things to happen to Job. He lost all of his children and all of his possessions in one day, and soon thereafter he lost his health.

The rest of the book is Job questioning God, knowing he was a righteous man. He didn't understand why God would allow so many bad things to happen to him. At one point in the book, Job's wife told him to "curse God and die." Job replied, "shall we only accept good from the hand of God, and not evil also?"

After all of the questions and suggestions Job received, God finally answered Job. But he didn't really answer. He put Job in his place. "Where were you when I made the earth? The heavens...etc."

Maybe God wants us to stop asking this question.. Maybe He wants us to give up the need to understand (and would the answer be good enough anyway? Would we even have the capacity or the selflessness to understand and accept the reason?) Like a child, we need to implicitly stop questioning our Father and trust that He knows something we don't...

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

It all boils down to trusting God. That even when bad things happen and when He doesn't make sense...someone who knows God and knows His character also knows He is good. Even when bad things happen to us.

If there is one thing I want people to learn from my blog, it is this:

There are no guarantees that our situation or circumstance will get better, but God promises that He will be there.

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. Matthew 10:29

Hopefully, we can all follow Job's faithful answer and reply to our Father:

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Job 13:15

Wonderfully Made Moms

This is the name of a new small bible study group that we are starting come April for mothers of children with special needs. Mrs. Cindy Evans, a godly, kind woman from my church is the one who spearheaded this new much-needed group for the moms who can get stressed while caring for a special needs child (let's be honest...any other children, too!). Mrs. Evans and her husband have also had a successful ministry called Wonderfully Made that reaches out to and ministers specifically to special needs adults in our area through fellowship and biblical teaching.

Mrs. Evans is a mother of a Trent, her grown son with Down Syndrome. He is a kind, intelligent, hardworking young man who helps out in our church by taking care of the sound ministry and taking offerings. He also greets everyone with a smile! Mrs. Evans has her own blog if you would like to visit it sometime!

A few months ago Mrs. Evans approached me about helping her out with this, and I was so elated! This kind of ministry has been something I have wanted to do for some time now, but I wasn't really sure how to go about it. No doubt it is the Lord providentially bringing us together to work together in this ministry.

Recently I have been writing questions that I have been asking God through my journey of raising a child diagnosed with autism. I remember when Kaylee was first diagnosed I was looking everywhere for a book that would help me along this road...but every book I found (yes even Christian ones!) were only about "curing" my child and not how I was to live in it! I had so many questions and I felt so alone. I wished I had an experienced friend to help encourage me along.

That is what I hope this group will bring to other mothers in a similar situation. My prayer is that we can help each other along and bring hope to others. To be a friend and lift one another up in Jesus Christ.


Here are some of the questions we hope to answer and address:

• Supermom or not???


• How should I discipline my special needs child?


• What does God expect of me?


• How do I cope with my fears and worries associated with raising a special child?


• Should I homeschool my child? How do I go about doing this?


• and more...

Are you a mom struggling in raising your special needs child? Are you someone who has some suggestions for what we can discuss or how we can help others?

I would love to hear from you! Please email me at jlhank80@yahoo.com or leave me a comment. And if you know a mom in the Chicago area who is interested in this small group, please send them my way!

His Grace is Sufficient

I am back now, and I feel better.

No, this isn't because my circumstances are better. My daughter is still very anxious and I am still waiting for the doctor to get back to me about it.

But I have peace that passes all understanding, thanks to my Heavenly Father. I think I understand now that this is God's will for all of us in our family. But I think of what Paul said when he asked God to remove the thorn from his flesh, but God replied to him (I am paraphrasing) "No, but my Grace is sufficient for you"

The problem with me was, I didn't want to accept God's Will for me at this moment. I fought the reality that was. Yes Kaylee is improving, but we are still working on things and they could be better right now. Like I heard a pastor say on Sunday: "When you are flying on a plane, you can fret and fear all you want... but that plane is still going to land in that destination, whether you like it or not." (Well most times anyway...but thats not the point here)

I used to pray without ceasing "Lord please help Kaylee get better." Now, I still hope and pray for that, but I ask for strength and grace for me, Kaylee, and the rest of the family to be joyful and strong in living with the everyday struggles.

And I know He will supply those things, because He always has in the past. And it is so nice to be joyful again!

*Kaylee loves sleeping with her "baby" every night. As you can see, they have matching blankies :)

Thank you to those who prayed for me.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. James 1:2,3

Training Up Our Children

These past few weeks have been particularly trying, in respect to Kaylee's behavior. Everything is a fight, and her will is very strong. She doesn't want to do anything she is asked to do.

For example, we took her to a fun McDonald's Play Place this week, and ordered her a burger without the bun which she normally has no problem eating. This time she decided to put up her dukes and not eat. So we left her at the table and she could not play until she ate the burger. She screamed and screamed so we left McDonalds. She screamed more.

But I was still not backing down. She knew exactly what was going on. We went home, and she went in a high chair I placed the burger in front of her and sat with her and told her "I love you Kaylee, you are such a good girl" while she ate that burger with joy.

For those people out there who wonder, is she just a mean and cold person? Why is she telling this story? This is for all of the mama's out there who think that they can't discipline or train their child because they have special needs (or any other excuse...and there are lots of them if you want to find them!) Don't let your child bowl you over because you feel sorry for them or are afraid they don't understand. They need you to be their parent.

Did you know that the bible says if you spare the rod (or do not discipline) you actually hate your child (Proverbs 13:24)? Why would God use such harsh words? Surely we love our children...that is why we do not want to cause them pain...

But the word of God tells us that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child...so should we let them be the boss? No.

God's word also says to train up a child in the way he should go. Do I want my child to continue on her own foolish way? No. I want her to respect and obey. Because if she isn't taught to obey me now, she will not obey me in the future, and surely not her Heavenly Father.

God uses the word hate because we rob our children of their future if we do not train them today. The consequences are great. Our small consequences now can save them from grave consequences in the future. That is why it says in the bible that if we love them, we will chasten them (Prov. 13:24). Even our Lord Jesus Christ chastens those whom He loves (Rev 3:19). Let us be like Him and love and train our children.

This does not mean that we as parents, have to employ spanking always in our discipline, but that we make all of their negative attempts to get what they want counterproductive. An example of this is a child screaming/kicking/crying to get a cookie. If we give in to their bad behavior and give them a cookie, we are actually reinforcing that behavior. When I encounter this from Kaylee, I slowly and kindly say, "No Kaylee, you don't get a cookie when you scream and cry like that. You need to ask nicely next time."

Then I brace myself and ask God for strength and wisdom while she gets upset. I just trust what God says in His word, and I trust that what I am doing is for her good, then I can be strong and handle her "not liking me" for the moment.

If you would like more ideas on disciplining your child, special needs or not, try this book, it has a lot of creative solutions on how to deal with problem behaviors in toddler to teenage years.

Kaylee's Story - Part 3

Before I begin the next part of Kaylee's story, I must say that this is my story, too. Right now, Kaylee can't tell her story, but I pray that one day she will be able.

My purpose for telling Kaylee's story is not for my benefit, or for some catharsis on my part to make me feel better or self-important. I hope and pray with my heart that I can help someone out there, any other mother finds themselves on this road, too.

Because every book I read about autism made me despair even more. Everything was about cures and spending lots of money I didn't have and no guarantees. No one ever addressed with the real issues I had to deal with everyday, like depression, despair, the alienation from others, the embarrassments I went through.

When I started to suspect something wasn't right with Kaylee, she was 15 months old, I felt so alone. My friends' kids were all talking, playing, and interacting. At church I was embarrassed when she would scream if people came up to us wanting to talk to her. She would look right past them as spoke to her. I was afraid that people would think I was allowing my child to be a unsociable "brat".

I was alarmed and I looked up "15 month old not talking" on the internet and I found a case study of a little girl was was waving "bye" at 12 months saying a few words and lost them. That was Kaylee! Then I saw autism and I felt a stab of horror into my heart. I never though of autism. I used to babysit a boy with autism and all he did was play with string all day and walk on his tip toes. He was 8 years old and had never spoken. "That can't be Kaylee", I tried to reassure myself, but the damage was done. Now I suspected autism and I was scared. As far as I knew, there was nothing I could do about autism.

Kaylee was evaluated by the Early Intervention people soon thereafter and she had more than 40% delays in many developmental areas. When I asked the evaluators if they though she had autism, I could see in their eyes "yes" but instead they told me "it's too early to tell".

We had therapists coming to our home at least everyday. Kaylee started to interact more and we worked hard to teach her sign language and get her to communicate her wants and needs. From 16 months on, I waited and waited for her to speak. I wondered if I would ever hear her voice, if I would ever hear her say "Momma" or "I love you". I so desperately wanted to bring her into our world, so I worked hard to get into hers. I played with her for hours on the floor, read books, sang songs, and tried to find ways to get her to smile at me for anything.

One night I was crying to my husband, afraid she would never speak, and pointed me to this bible verse:

And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Exodus 4:11

God could do help Kaylee speak if He willed it. Somehow, knowing all of this is was in God's hands put my mind at ease. I knew that God loved me and He loved Kaylee and He thought this way was best. I had peace again. Even though my heart was grieved I could live with this knowing God was in control.

For Such a Time as This...

Today my pastor was teaching out of the book of Esther, and we came to the part where Mordechai, Esther's cousin, was urging her to go to the King and plead for the lives and the preservation Jewish people.

For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father's house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Esther 4:14

God had put Esther in the place He desired her to be in to do His Will, to save His people. He gave her favor in the eyes of the king and the people so that she would become queen. Now it was her time to do what God wanted her to do. He had ordained her for such a time as this. But God wasn't going to do everything for her, she had to take a chance and put her life at risk.

I got to thinking about myself and my job as a wife and a mother. I have, at times, been so discouraged, so grieved about my circumstances. I have told God "I can't handle all of this!"

But today, I realized, that God knew what He was doing, He intentionally, sovereignly allowed these these burdens into my life because He believed that I, and all of the other mothers of children who live with autism, could act for such a time as this. How encouraging that is, to know that God is in control and that He has asked me to simply do a job made just for me:

...young women...be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. Titus 2:4

This is an encouragement to anyone and everyone out there...God has a job for you and for you only and only you can do it in such a time as this. And as someone wise said somewhere: If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. That doesn't mean He'll do everything for you, but He will do everything on His part so that you can do yours.

Grace and Peace to you through our Lord Jesus Christ!