Kaylee and Mommy Update (A long-winded post)

When I have been thinking about what to post on my blog lately, I feel like I am a dry well. Not because things aren't happening, but because I am totally and utterly spent. For weeks I have been in survival mode. My creative juices were drying up and I felt like I couldn't write a good post. Exhaustion and a perfectionism like that make for a no-posting kind of blog.

I have been determined not to make this a place where I vent and complain about my circumstances, my purpose for this blog is to honestly document my journey in living with and attempting to heal my daughter's autism.

So here is an update of whats going on: Kaylee is doing great! I can't say it enough. She is so easy to get along with, tantrums are nonexistant, she is effortlessly potty-trained, she's happy, interacting, playing, in the "that's mine!" stage.

As for me, I am struggling. This story started over two months ago, Kaylee's behavior was impossible and I was frazzled. Every free moment I was either taking Kaylee to stressful allergy testing appointments, attempting to cook new foods for her (and failing) and there were many other commitments I was trying to keep, besides caring for 3 very young children.

I was so stressed out I felt like I couldn't rest. Even if I was sitting still, I felt worried and wound up. I felt like I was always on the edge.

I felt so alone, I had no peace. When I read the bible it felt like hollow words to me. The words of my prayers seemed to drop like cement the minute they left my lips. I felt weary and burdened.

I remember telling Dan, my husband, I had this vague sense that something was really wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what exactly it was. A few days later a peculiar rash appeared on my legs, and my feet swelled up. I was concerned but when I woke up the next day the rash had gotten worse and spread.

I went to the doctor and finally after many tests they figured out that I had vasculitis. That means my immune system was attacking my own blood vessels. The doctors had to check me for some serious diseases, like lupus and cancer, which came out negative. It was quite a scare for me.

But even today, 6 weeks later I am left with the aftermath of this illness. I have very painful sores on my legs and feet and its very difficult for me to get through each day. I have to go to wound care specialists a few times a week, because my skin isn't healing very well.

I am not sharing this to get pity, I am just trying to be real about what my life has been like. Times have been hard lately. The most difficult part was when I felt like God was so far away. The truth is, it was me who was far away.

It occured to me though, that everyone goes through hard times. As far as I know, the death rate is 100%. Everyone's health fails at some point in their life. Being a christian does not save me from trials and troubles. That is a far cry from what some of the pastors are preaching today. How disappointed are so many people when God doesn't give them what they want or when He doesn't save them from their circumstances? How many will have a love that waxes cold because they only know the gifts and not the Great Giver?

I think these circumstances brought me to a new level of fellowship with God. I feel pleasantly broken. Yes, that's the best way I could put it. I was very humbled by my circumstances and I reached out to God and accepted with joy, His will for me at this time. After that I felt so free!

The Good Lord is forcing me to rest (I have to have my feet up as much as possible). He is forcing me to trust Him. He is forcing me to ask Him for strength to get through each day (sometimes its each hour). He is forcing me to reassess my priorities. Yes I may have sticky floors and two bathroom sinks that need cleaning. I am learning to be okay with that.

Gee I think I have been all over the place on this post. I apologize. It's the best I could do right now.