Did you ever feel mad at God? Did you ever question Him, feel like He was cruel to you because of your circumstances? Because of the unfairness of your child's disability? Did you ever feel like God's expectations of you were too much? Did you ever feel like God's grace wasn't enough for you to get through?
I am ashamed to say I ask those questions. Just when I think I get out of my rut, something else happens and I am asking God "why?" all over again.
In fact, today I am laying on my couch while everyone else is at church because I am in pain yet again. It comes and goes and all I can do is rest and not move for awhile until it dies down. I have been dealing with this for almost 3 months now.
This morning, I came across this article, it's by Chuck Swindoll's daughter, Colleen. She has a son who has autism, too. I really appreciate how real she is about her struggles and the way she deals with the overwhelming difficulties she has faced in raising a child with severe autism and a number of other diagnoses. I hope you will take the time to read it because it will bless you, even if you don't have a child with special needs.
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Keepin' My Eyes on Him
I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. I could have trusted Him in the first place.
Instead, two years ago, I spent countless hours hunting for a cure for autism in front of this illuminated computer screen. I had amassed hours and hours of lost sleep searching and searching for an answer. THE answer. All of my investigating did not avail me an answer I believed was true.
One night, I awoke at 3AM to another night of Kaylee singing to herself, laughing hysterically at who knows what. Something is wrong! This is NOT how its supposed to be... I thought to myself as I gingerly left my bed trying not to wake up my husband with my weeping.
Her laughter felt so cruel to me, so paradoxical to how I was feeling inside. So disconnected from the rest of the sleeping world around her.
So I wrote my prayer to God, I sobbed until I felt weak. I knew there was an answer. Or maybe I couldn't believe there wasn't one?
Then, there was silence. My mind was quiet.
In that silence I heard something from inside. I heard "Keep your eyes on Me."
But I knew if there was such a solution to the dilemma that God would have the answer for it and He could bring it to me if He wanted to. I didn't have to look. I had to let go and let Him bring me the answer.
In that moment, I knew He could, and He would.
The truth was, He already had. I wasn't ready for it yet! I had my own preconceptions about what was wrong with Kaylee, I wouldn't listen when a friend told me about NeuroImmune Dysfunction Syndrome. I had never come across it before and it wasn't "DAN" (Defeat Autism Now - the most well-known biomedical autism school of thought today) and they used medications, which I was uncomfortable with.
It took a few months but I had run out of treatment options and I decided to give NIDS another look. Now, in my desperation, the NIDS theory seemed to make sense to me.
Everything "worked out" and we took Kaylee to the NNY Autism Clinic 3 weeks later.
Since then I have watched my daughter come out of her world and into mine and I have thought to myself with a chuckle "You found me, Lord. You brought the answer to me." All of my fretful research-hours were wasted ones. I should have just kept my eyes on Him!
Instead, two years ago, I spent countless hours hunting for a cure for autism in front of this illuminated computer screen. I had amassed hours and hours of lost sleep searching and searching for an answer. THE answer. All of my investigating did not avail me an answer I believed was true.
One night, I awoke at 3AM to another night of Kaylee singing to herself, laughing hysterically at who knows what. Something is wrong! This is NOT how its supposed to be... I thought to myself as I gingerly left my bed trying not to wake up my husband with my weeping.
Her laughter felt so cruel to me, so paradoxical to how I was feeling inside. So disconnected from the rest of the sleeping world around her.
So I wrote my prayer to God, I sobbed until I felt weak. I knew there was an answer. Or maybe I couldn't believe there wasn't one?
Then, there was silence. My mind was quiet.
In that silence I heard something from inside. I heard "Keep your eyes on Me."
But I knew if there was such a solution to the dilemma that God would have the answer for it and He could bring it to me if He wanted to. I didn't have to look. I had to let go and let Him bring me the answer.
In that moment, I knew He could, and He would.
The truth was, He already had. I wasn't ready for it yet! I had my own preconceptions about what was wrong with Kaylee, I wouldn't listen when a friend told me about NeuroImmune Dysfunction Syndrome. I had never come across it before and it wasn't "DAN" (Defeat Autism Now - the most well-known biomedical autism school of thought today) and they used medications, which I was uncomfortable with.
It took a few months but I had run out of treatment options and I decided to give NIDS another look. Now, in my desperation, the NIDS theory seemed to make sense to me.
Everything "worked out" and we took Kaylee to the NNY Autism Clinic 3 weeks later.
Since then I have watched my daughter come out of her world and into mine and I have thought to myself with a chuckle "You found me, Lord. You brought the answer to me." All of my fretful research-hours were wasted ones. I should have just kept my eyes on Him!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Why My Child? Part II
After all of this time of thinking upon this question, I still don't have an answer that I feel most people desire when they find out their child has a disability. But I prayed and I asked God this very question and after sometime I see that my answer is...
There is no answer! At least not one that we may know this side of heaven...
I don't find peace in believing that God "planned" this for my child. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are not spared the trials that life brings to everyone.
Does that mean that God isn't in control? No, I don't think so.
Recently I read the book of Job and if you don't know much about this man, his story is in the Old Testament. To make a long story short, God allowed many bad things to happen to Job. He lost all of his children and all of his possessions in one day, and soon thereafter he lost his health.
The rest of the book is Job questioning God, knowing he was a righteous man. He didn't understand why God would allow so many bad things to happen to him. At one point in the book, Job's wife told him to "curse God and die." Job replied, "shall we only accept good from the hand of God, and not evil also?"
After all of the questions and suggestions Job received, God finally answered Job. But he didn't really answer. He put Job in his place. "Where were you when I made the earth? The heavens...etc."
Maybe God wants us to stop asking this question.. Maybe He wants us to give up the need to understand (and would the answer be good enough anyway? Would we even have the capacity or the selflessness to understand and accept the reason?) Like a child, we need to implicitly stop questioning our Father and trust that He knows something we don't...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
There is no answer! At least not one that we may know this side of heaven...
I don't find peace in believing that God "planned" this for my child. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are not spared the trials that life brings to everyone.
Does that mean that God isn't in control? No, I don't think so.
Recently I read the book of Job and if you don't know much about this man, his story is in the Old Testament. To make a long story short, God allowed many bad things to happen to Job. He lost all of his children and all of his possessions in one day, and soon thereafter he lost his health.
The rest of the book is Job questioning God, knowing he was a righteous man. He didn't understand why God would allow so many bad things to happen to him. At one point in the book, Job's wife told him to "curse God and die." Job replied, "shall we only accept good from the hand of God, and not evil also?"
After all of the questions and suggestions Job received, God finally answered Job. But he didn't really answer. He put Job in his place. "Where were you when I made the earth? The heavens...etc."
Maybe God wants us to stop asking this question.. Maybe He wants us to give up the need to understand (and would the answer be good enough anyway? Would we even have the capacity or the selflessness to understand and accept the reason?) Like a child, we need to implicitly stop questioning our Father and trust that He knows something we don't...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
It all boils down to trusting God. That even when bad things happen and when He doesn't make sense...someone who knows God and knows His character also knows He is good. Even when bad things happen to us.
If there is one thing I want people to learn from my blog, it is this:
There are no guarantees that our situation or circumstance will get better, but God promises that He will be there.
Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. Matthew 10:29
Hopefully, we can all follow Job's faithful answer and reply to our Father:
"Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Job 13:15
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Why my Child?
This is the first subject we are "tackling" in our Wonderfully Made Moms group.
Oh does this open up a door that I have realized I never really closed.
I have asked God this question over and over. When I see other children play. Or when I see a little girl that is Kaylee's age smiling at her mom, talking with her. Or when I see other families who don't know how good they have it when their child doesn't have a tantrum when asked to do a simple thing like "get your shoes".
So why my child? Is there satisfactory answer for that? I am still thinking on this answer and I will share it in my next post.
So how about you? How did you deal with this question? I would love to hear...
Oh does this open up a door that I have realized I never really closed.
I have asked God this question over and over. When I see other children play. Or when I see a little girl that is Kaylee's age smiling at her mom, talking with her. Or when I see other families who don't know how good they have it when their child doesn't have a tantrum when asked to do a simple thing like "get your shoes".
So why my child? Is there satisfactory answer for that? I am still thinking on this answer and I will share it in my next post.
So how about you? How did you deal with this question? I would love to hear...
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Good Shepherd
Since Kaylee's diagnosis in August of 2007, my life has been an emotional roller coaster. For a year after that I had been going through all of our options for treatment for her from diets to supplements and many more interventions. For so long I just didn't know what to do, there were so many promises everywhere I turned and nothing worked.
Especially today, I walk the line between elation and despair. Every few weeks a new medication comes along with die-offs and reactions and a little growth in some area. And each time I wait on pins and needles, watching for something, some confirmation that says I can can relax now, Kaylee is going to be OK from here on...I am waiting to get to really know her.
And when we have setbacks and die-offs, I fear. I grieve all over again as if it were the day I left the doctor's office with the word autism ringing in my ears.
I am so tired of this roller coaster. How does one hope with all of their heart so badly and not get disappointed? Is that possible? Or because I truly hope, is that just the heartbreaking risk I take?
That is one of the hardest parts of Kaylee's diagnosis I have had to deal with is not being able to just accept autism and move on. Because there is a question of recovery in these children a parent always wonders and hopes their child is that one child that can be helped...therefore delaying the "acceptance" stage.
My wondering has left me stuck in a wilderness of waiting. I always dreamed that Kaylee and I would have a close bond where we could talk about anything for hours, the way my mother and I did. Now I live in an up and down cycle of grief and hope: grief of the loss of a dream for my little girl, and hope that the dream is not gone.
I am so tired, a deep tired that reaches down to my soul. I haven't had peace in a long time. I have been waiting on the edge of my seat, wondering what the next act of this life will be: a road to recovery or time to start accepting. It's so tiring to wonder like that. I have just been surviving, missing many moments with all of my children because of my lack of joy.
Sometimes I wish I could just let go, stop fighting so hard with all that I have, but I am afraid...if I stop fighting for Kaylee, who will fight for her?
As I ask myself this, I close my eyes and I can see my Lord Jesus, He holds out his arms to me and asks "do you trust me?" Isn't that what this is all about? It always comes back to this point: Do I trust Him? He who stopped at nothing to save me from my sins? How could I not trust Him?
I see myself across from Him, holding Kaylee so close, clutching her so hard, afraid to let go. I am afraid if I do I will not get my dream. I am afraid if I let go, I won't get what I want: I want Kaylee to get better. I want to sing and laugh and share with her.
Kaylee is His child, I forget that sometimes. I pray as if I am pleading with God to help my child when He loves her so much. I don't love her anymore than He does. Jesus laid His life down for her, too. I need to trust Him and what He wants to do with His child.
I don't want to fight her Father's will her, I want to trust Him, no matter what. Every morning, I am going to give Kaylee, and my other children to Jesus. I am going to trust Him.
I am the good shepherd:
the good shepherd giveth
his life for the sheep. John 10:11
Especially today, I walk the line between elation and despair. Every few weeks a new medication comes along with die-offs and reactions and a little growth in some area. And each time I wait on pins and needles, watching for something, some confirmation that says I can can relax now, Kaylee is going to be OK from here on...I am waiting to get to really know her.
And when we have setbacks and die-offs, I fear. I grieve all over again as if it were the day I left the doctor's office with the word autism ringing in my ears.
I am so tired of this roller coaster. How does one hope with all of their heart so badly and not get disappointed? Is that possible? Or because I truly hope, is that just the heartbreaking risk I take?
That is one of the hardest parts of Kaylee's diagnosis I have had to deal with is not being able to just accept autism and move on. Because there is a question of recovery in these children a parent always wonders and hopes their child is that one child that can be helped...therefore delaying the "acceptance" stage.
My wondering has left me stuck in a wilderness of waiting. I always dreamed that Kaylee and I would have a close bond where we could talk about anything for hours, the way my mother and I did. Now I live in an up and down cycle of grief and hope: grief of the loss of a dream for my little girl, and hope that the dream is not gone.
I am so tired, a deep tired that reaches down to my soul. I haven't had peace in a long time. I have been waiting on the edge of my seat, wondering what the next act of this life will be: a road to recovery or time to start accepting. It's so tiring to wonder like that. I have just been surviving, missing many moments with all of my children because of my lack of joy.
Sometimes I wish I could just let go, stop fighting so hard with all that I have, but I am afraid...if I stop fighting for Kaylee, who will fight for her?
As I ask myself this, I close my eyes and I can see my Lord Jesus, He holds out his arms to me and asks "do you trust me?" Isn't that what this is all about? It always comes back to this point: Do I trust Him? He who stopped at nothing to save me from my sins? How could I not trust Him?
I see myself across from Him, holding Kaylee so close, clutching her so hard, afraid to let go. I am afraid if I do I will not get my dream. I am afraid if I let go, I won't get what I want: I want Kaylee to get better. I want to sing and laugh and share with her.
Kaylee is His child, I forget that sometimes. I pray as if I am pleading with God to help my child when He loves her so much. I don't love her anymore than He does. Jesus laid His life down for her, too. I need to trust Him and what He wants to do with His child.
I don't want to fight her Father's will her, I want to trust Him, no matter what. Every morning, I am going to give Kaylee, and my other children to Jesus. I am going to trust Him.
I am the good shepherd:
the good shepherd giveth
his life for the sheep. John 10:11
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Lately there has been a black cloud of fear hanging over me, looming over every moment of my life. Somedays I feel as if I am overcome with doubts that discourage me until overwhelmed with I am a title wave of sadness where I can't find my way back out again or remember where it started. I usually try resolve this by either doing more research to find more answers about autism (which I have realized hasn't really ever made me feel better) or by reading God's Word and admitting my fears to Him. If it is quiet and I go to Him, He always answers me.
Thankfully, my husband also seems to know the right things to say to encourage me and make me feel better. I know people say that autism can tear a family apart, but it has only made our marriage stronger, and I thank God for that.
Only time will tell if we are doing the right thing for Kaylee. Honestly, I am scared of disappointment. I don't care so much about the money or time, I care about being out of the "window" of time that we can really help Kaylee have a "normal" life, and that this wont work. Because we are taking this route, we have forsaken many other ways.
I can't even imagine, or maybe I won't let myself imagine, that Kaylee would come out of this shell someday. Sometimes when she looks into my eyes and talks to me, I feel like I can see a glimpse of her, of how things could be.
In a book I read recently by Mike Singletary (yes...the football player!) said "You do your part the best you can, and you leave God to do the rest." That is what I cling to. All I can do is my best based on what I know and what resources God has given me and I know that if it is His will He will bless my efforts.
But no matter what, I will say Bless the Lord. Even if I don't get my heart's desire, I will still say "blessed be the name of the Lord."
I will grieve and I will cry, but I know that my father God still loves me and will give me the grace and strength to get through because He promised His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Thankfully, my husband also seems to know the right things to say to encourage me and make me feel better. I know people say that autism can tear a family apart, but it has only made our marriage stronger, and I thank God for that.
Only time will tell if we are doing the right thing for Kaylee. Honestly, I am scared of disappointment. I don't care so much about the money or time, I care about being out of the "window" of time that we can really help Kaylee have a "normal" life, and that this wont work. Because we are taking this route, we have forsaken many other ways.
I can't even imagine, or maybe I won't let myself imagine, that Kaylee would come out of this shell someday. Sometimes when she looks into my eyes and talks to me, I feel like I can see a glimpse of her, of how things could be.
In a book I read recently by Mike Singletary (yes...the football player!) said "You do your part the best you can, and you leave God to do the rest." That is what I cling to. All I can do is my best based on what I know and what resources God has given me and I know that if it is His will He will bless my efforts.
But no matter what, I will say Bless the Lord. Even if I don't get my heart's desire, I will still say "blessed be the name of the Lord."
I will grieve and I will cry, but I know that my father God still loves me and will give me the grace and strength to get through because He promised His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
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