A Storm I Will Never Forget

Last week I had a certain dream, and when I had the chance to reflect on it, I knew it was something important, that maybe God was trying to reveal something to me.

I had a dream that I was back in my old apartment, the one we had lived in before Kaylee was diagnosed with autism. I was looking outside the window and I saw black clouds boiling in the distance. A horrible storm was coming and we were in it's destructive path.

Turning to Kaylee, I told her to run and hide...hurry! But she didn't even hear me, just like the days when she was at the height of her illness. I was struck with fear to see her this way again, and I was totally helpless to stop this impending disaster about to hit the lives of my family.

Later on I reflected on this dream and when I wrote out what happened it was clear to me that this storm was Autism about to hit our lives. Although I am relieved to know that our storm has passed, I know there are other families out there in their own storms, waiting them out, seeking shelter in biomedical protocols and doctors visits and therapies that never end. They are hoping that *this* time, *this* intervention is their way out.

I haven't forgotten these families. I am praying for the way out for them too. I think the way out is almost here. All I can say is Hold on! The answer is almost here! Even if I don't know you I pray for you everyday. I am not going to stop until there is a way out for all of us. I know that God doesn't want me forget, either.

Kaylee Prays for the NNY Autism Center

Everyday and every meal we try to instill in our children our thankfulness to God for all that He provides by saying a simple prayer thanking Him, asking for His help, and praising Him for His goodness. I keep it very simple but the most important thing is that our children are aware of His constant presence and that they understand that He is the giver of all our good things.

Kaylee has been thanking God for Mommy, Daddy, school or whatever else comes to her mind...but lately, I have been thinking how Kaylee can pray for the NNY Autism Center.

The NNY Autism Center is where we took Kaylee a year ago to see Dr. Bruce Russell, for her biomedical intervention. We flew all the way from Chicago to Buffalo, then drove another 4 hours to get to a small little town called Black River.

I was expecting some sort of big building, all industrial, modern, cold. What I found was completely different. Here in the middle of a small town, was a house made into a modest office where some very special people are helping kids recover from autism, one child at a time.

Inside of this "office" is some of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. Namely Kathy Robertson, the director and nurse practioner. Mrs. Robertson has a grown daughter who has recovered from autism. Many a times I have called her, close to tears, and she has listened and spurred me on to keep going. She helped point me in the right direction when Kaylee's allergies were out of control, helped me figure out what to do when Kaylee regressed due to Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease.

The people at the NNY Autism Center either make a very small hourly wage or nothing at all. They work hard to earn money through a non-profit organization to help pay for kids to get the treatment they need. In a world of charletons taking advantage of desperate parents with promises of cures, these are people who truly care.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of how they have been there for me, and how they haven't given up even though their treatments aren't what is "famous" right now. I am so grateful for them.

So now every night at bedtime, Kaylee and I pray for the NNY Autism Center, Miss Kathy, Miss Sheri, and Dr. Bruce, that God would bless them mightily, provide money for them, and bless their families. For now, Kaylee doesn't really understand why we pray this way, but I know one day she will...

Keepin' My Eyes on Him

I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. I could have trusted Him in the first place.

Instead, two years ago, I spent countless hours hunting for a cure for autism in front of this illuminated computer screen. I had amassed hours and hours of lost sleep searching and searching for an answer. THE answer. All of my investigating did not avail me an answer I believed was true.

One night, I awoke at 3AM to another night of Kaylee singing to herself, laughing hysterically at who knows what. Something is wrong! This is NOT how its supposed to be... I thought to myself as I gingerly left my bed trying not to wake up my husband with my weeping.

Her laughter felt so cruel to me, so paradoxical to how I was feeling inside. So disconnected from the rest of the sleeping world around her.

So I wrote my prayer to God, I sobbed until I felt weak. I knew there was an answer. Or maybe I couldn't believe there wasn't one?

Then, there was silence. My mind was quiet.

In that silence I heard something from inside. I heard "Keep your eyes on Me."

But I knew if there was such a solution to the dilemma that God would have the answer for it and He could bring it to me if He wanted to. I didn't have to look. I had to let go and let Him bring me the answer.

In that moment, I knew He could, and He would.

The truth was, He already had. I wasn't ready for it yet! I had my own preconceptions about what was wrong with Kaylee, I wouldn't listen when a friend told me about NeuroImmune Dysfunction Syndrome. I had never come across it before and it wasn't "DAN" (Defeat Autism Now - the most well-known biomedical autism school of thought today) and they used medications, which I was uncomfortable with.

It took a few months but I had run out of treatment options and I decided to give NIDS another look. Now, in my desperation, the NIDS theory seemed to make sense to me.

Everything "worked out" and we took Kaylee to the NNY Autism Clinic 3 weeks later.

Since then I have watched my daughter come out of her world and into mine and I have thought to myself with a chuckle "You found me, Lord. You brought the answer to me." All of my fretful research-hours were wasted ones. I should have just kept my eyes on Him!

His Grace is Sufficient

I am back now, and I feel better.

No, this isn't because my circumstances are better. My daughter is still very anxious and I am still waiting for the doctor to get back to me about it.

But I have peace that passes all understanding, thanks to my Heavenly Father. I think I understand now that this is God's will for all of us in our family. But I think of what Paul said when he asked God to remove the thorn from his flesh, but God replied to him (I am paraphrasing) "No, but my Grace is sufficient for you"

The problem with me was, I didn't want to accept God's Will for me at this moment. I fought the reality that was. Yes Kaylee is improving, but we are still working on things and they could be better right now. Like I heard a pastor say on Sunday: "When you are flying on a plane, you can fret and fear all you want... but that plane is still going to land in that destination, whether you like it or not." (Well most times anyway...but thats not the point here)

I used to pray without ceasing "Lord please help Kaylee get better." Now, I still hope and pray for that, but I ask for strength and grace for me, Kaylee, and the rest of the family to be joyful and strong in living with the everyday struggles.

And I know He will supply those things, because He always has in the past. And it is so nice to be joyful again!

*Kaylee loves sleeping with her "baby" every night. As you can see, they have matching blankies :)

Thank you to those who prayed for me.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. James 1:2,3

The plague of Motherly Guilt

I must begin by apologizing for such drab and flat blog entries lately. I have been so tired lately and being tired really curbs my creativity and I have trouble thinking deeply. I haven't been getting as much sleep as I should and I feel like my list of things to do is neverending.

Not to complain. My life is full of blessings, I am so thankful to not be bored or lonely. But I do feel like I have a nagging sense of guilt that plagues me, thinking of all of the ways I have failed or didn't get everything done that I wanted to. Having three young children I believe it is inevitable to not feel guilty all of the time. Each day I feel like I don't spend enough time with each one and then I scare myself thinking, "My kids are going to grow up unable to form emotional attachments to anyone!" and many more unlikely and scary scenarios.

Now I gather that ALL mom's around the world suffer from this affliction, feeling guilty about what we did do, didn't do, did wrong, and much more. But I imagine that guilt does it's worst damage when we do not address it. Guilt has a way of festering in my heart and eating away and my peace and I don't realize it is there until I am in a bit of a panicked state.

That is when I go to my Master Jesus and I give Him the broken pieces in my life. I know that I can only do so much and leave the rest to Him. He says: Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

In the end, that is all it is about: giving it to Him. Over and over again I trade my sorrows in for the peace that only He can give to me.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

I say, "Jesus, this hurts so bad in my life. The grief of seeing my child like this tears me apart inside." and He tells me, "Come to me, child, I know." Just going to Him may not make everything go away, but He comforts me with His Words. I know He is there...