Before I begin the next part of Kaylee's story, I must say that this is my story, too. Right now, Kaylee can't tell her story, but I pray that one day she will be able.
My purpose for telling Kaylee's story is not for my benefit, or for some catharsis on my part to make me feel better or self-important. I hope and pray with my heart that I can help someone out there, any other mother finds themselves on this road, too.
Because every book I read about autism made me despair even more. Everything was about cures and spending lots of money I didn't have and no guarantees. No one ever addressed with the real issues I had to deal with everyday, like depression, despair, the alienation from others, the embarrassments I went through.
When I started to suspect something wasn't right with Kaylee, she was 15 months old, I felt so alone. My friends' kids were all talking, playing, and interacting. At church I was embarrassed when she would scream if people came up to us wanting to talk to her. She would look right past them as spoke to her. I was afraid that people would think I was allowing my child to be a unsociable "brat".
I was alarmed and I looked up "15 month old not talking" on the internet and I found a case study of a little girl was was waving "bye" at 12 months saying a few words and lost them. That was Kaylee! Then I saw autism and I felt a stab of horror into my heart. I never though of autism. I used to babysit a boy with autism and all he did was play with string all day and walk on his tip toes. He was 8 years old and had never spoken. "That can't be Kaylee", I tried to reassure myself, but the damage was done. Now I suspected autism and I was scared. As far as I knew, there was nothing I could do about autism.
Kaylee was evaluated by the Early Intervention people soon thereafter and she had more than 40% delays in many developmental areas. When I asked the evaluators if they though she had autism, I could see in their eyes "yes" but instead they told me "it's too early to tell".
We had therapists coming to our home at least everyday. Kaylee started to interact more and we worked hard to teach her sign language and get her to communicate her wants and needs. From 16 months on, I waited and waited for her to speak. I wondered if I would ever hear her voice, if I would ever hear her say "Momma" or "I love you". I so desperately wanted to bring her into our world, so I worked hard to get into hers. I played with her for hours on the floor, read books, sang songs, and tried to find ways to get her to smile at me for anything.
One night I was crying to my husband, afraid she would never speak, and pointed me to this bible verse:
And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Exodus 4:11
God could do help Kaylee speak if He willed it. Somehow, knowing all of this is was in God's hands put my mind at ease. I knew that God loved me and He loved Kaylee and He thought this way was best. I had peace again. Even though my heart was grieved I could live with this knowing God was in control.
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