Keepin' My Eyes on Him

I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. I could have trusted Him in the first place.

Instead, two years ago, I spent countless hours hunting for a cure for autism in front of this illuminated computer screen. I had amassed hours and hours of lost sleep searching and searching for an answer. THE answer. All of my investigating did not avail me an answer I believed was true.

One night, I awoke at 3AM to another night of Kaylee singing to herself, laughing hysterically at who knows what. Something is wrong! This is NOT how its supposed to be... I thought to myself as I gingerly left my bed trying not to wake up my husband with my weeping.

Her laughter felt so cruel to me, so paradoxical to how I was feeling inside. So disconnected from the rest of the sleeping world around her.

So I wrote my prayer to God, I sobbed until I felt weak. I knew there was an answer. Or maybe I couldn't believe there wasn't one?

Then, there was silence. My mind was quiet.

In that silence I heard something from inside. I heard "Keep your eyes on Me."

But I knew if there was such a solution to the dilemma that God would have the answer for it and He could bring it to me if He wanted to. I didn't have to look. I had to let go and let Him bring me the answer.

In that moment, I knew He could, and He would.

The truth was, He already had. I wasn't ready for it yet! I had my own preconceptions about what was wrong with Kaylee, I wouldn't listen when a friend told me about NeuroImmune Dysfunction Syndrome. I had never come across it before and it wasn't "DAN" (Defeat Autism Now - the most well-known biomedical autism school of thought today) and they used medications, which I was uncomfortable with.

It took a few months but I had run out of treatment options and I decided to give NIDS another look. Now, in my desperation, the NIDS theory seemed to make sense to me.

Everything "worked out" and we took Kaylee to the NNY Autism Clinic 3 weeks later.

Since then I have watched my daughter come out of her world and into mine and I have thought to myself with a chuckle "You found me, Lord. You brought the answer to me." All of my fretful research-hours were wasted ones. I should have just kept my eyes on Him!