Lately there has been a black cloud of fear hanging over me, looming over every moment of my life. Somedays I feel as if I am overcome with doubts that discourage me until overwhelmed with I am a title wave of sadness where I can't find my way back out again or remember where it started. I usually try resolve this by either doing more research to find more answers about autism (which I have realized hasn't really ever made me feel better) or by reading God's Word and admitting my fears to Him. If it is quiet and I go to Him, He always answers me.
Thankfully, my husband also seems to know the right things to say to encourage me and make me feel better. I know people say that autism can tear a family apart, but it has only made our marriage stronger, and I thank God for that.
Only time will tell if we are doing the right thing for Kaylee. Honestly, I am scared of disappointment. I don't care so much about the money or time, I care about being out of the "window" of time that we can really help Kaylee have a "normal" life, and that this wont work. Because we are taking this route, we have forsaken many other ways.
I can't even imagine, or maybe I won't let myself imagine, that Kaylee would come out of this shell someday. Sometimes when she looks into my eyes and talks to me, I feel like I can see a glimpse of her, of how things could be.
In a book I read recently by Mike Singletary (yes...the football player!) said "You do your part the best you can, and you leave God to do the rest." That is what I cling to. All I can do is my best based on what I know and what resources God has given me and I know that if it is His will He will bless my efforts.
But no matter what, I will say Bless the Lord. Even if I don't get my heart's desire, I will still say "blessed be the name of the Lord."
I will grieve and I will cry, but I know that my father God still loves me and will give me the grace and strength to get through because He promised His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
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